Rabid Hyper-Patriot Country Music is Cute

Just the other day I was watching a documentary on the Klan, aired by one of the cable channels over 100.

The piece focused entirely on the “new and improved” KKK, and how there is a little tiff within the ranks between those who still want to string up black people and those who want the Klan to present a kinder, more compassionate image.

Well, the new Klan is certainly a fine group of men and women. They don’t really hate Spics, Jews, and Fags – they just like you a lot better if you’re not one of them.

Throughout the entire hour, there were constant references to “this is in the name of God,” or “this is how Christ intended,” and any other Christian reference you can think of.

Certainly, they don’t represent any form of sanctioned Christianity and in fact twist their Christian dedication into something perverted, in order to support the terror they instill and justify the suffering of innocent people at their hands.

Right. I’m sure most Americans say the same thing about Muslims and connections to terrorism.

What struck me as sickeningly amusing, however, was at the end of each “new Klan” rally – consisting of like, 11 unhooded men barricaded behind about 4,000 protesters – they play a little song into their rented loudspeaker system, as if it’s supposed to tie up some sort of lose ends emotionally, like a soundtrack played at the end of a movie when the credits roll.

Their song of choice? “Payback Time” by the king of Right Wing rednecks himself, Charlie Daniels.

This got me thinking… since nearly the entire Country music industry has become blind Patriotism on steroids washed down with Budweiser cans, it makes perfect sense that the new Klan would be attracted to and proudly stand behind songs from guys like Daniels.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with Patriotic music…each nation has several anthems that get it’s citizens behind their country – why they need a song to do that I don’t know, but hey, if it works for you, go nuts.

What is funny about the latest rush of country music artists trying to out-nationalize one another since 9/11 (because before then of course the only important things were chicks, pickup trucks, and beer), is that it comes out so completely shallow – so completely misguided, so knee-jerk, so childish, so simple, so predictable, so bandwagony, so badly informed, so naïve, so juvenile and unsophisticated in it’s world view – exactly how a 7-year-0ld reacts when someone hurts his mommy. The result is that it cheapens the very Patriotism and feelings of community, nationalism and freedom the song tries to market. It’s absolutely perfect Wal-Mart music – a blend of Patriotism and Christianity, with themes of revenge, and kickin’ the ass of foreigner-types. I can think of nothing more wholesomely Christian-American.

Therefore, I’ve decided that I’ll start to gather a compilation of incredibly comical Country lyrics, written to show off the ignorance and completely small-mindedness of their authors. I’ll keep posting more as I can think of them – after all I’m proudly underexposed to country. I will however post a few favorites from conservative kings of twang, Charlie Daniels and Toby Keith.

Charlie Daniels
“This ain't no rag it's a flag
And we don't wear it on our heads
It's a symbol of the land where the good guys live
Are you listening to what I said
You're a coward and a fool
And you broke all of the rules
And you wounded our American pride
And now we're coming with a gun
And we know you're gonna run
But you can't find no place to hide
We're gonna hunt you down like a mad dog hound
Make you pay for the lives you stole
We're all through talking and a messing around
And now it's time to rock and roll”


“Another day, another knife
Another precious unborn life
Will never see the light of day
Will never run or jump or play
It's just another sacrifice
The sky will part each knee will bow
To greet the awesome hour of His returning
When it's payback time
And the sheep are gathered in
When the roll is called up yonder
And eternity begins
When the wedding supper's ready
And the faithful called to dine
Who'll be sitting at the table
When it's payback time”



Toby Keith
“Hey Uncle Sam, put your name at the top of his list
And the Statue of Liberty started shakin’ her fist
And the eagle will fly, man, it’s gonna be hell
When you hear Mother Freedom start ringin’ her bell
And it feels like the whole wide world is raining down on you
Brought to you courtesy of the Red White and Blue”


“Now they attacked New York City cause they thought they could win
Said they would, stand and fight until the very bloody end
Mr Bush got on the phone with Iraq and Iran and said
‘Now, you sons-of-bitches you better not be doin any business with the taliban’”