Not Exactly the CBS Mail Bag

Al Franken, much like David Letterman, loves to read fan mail. The only difference is Letterman’s fan mail doesn’t come from the Christian Army who for some reason, feel the need to tune into Al’s show, from somewhere in the middle of Kansas.

No one can sum up the value of these people to American society better than the letter writers themselves, in their own words. These letters are for everyone to enjoy, but especially those who hate Al Franken, as I wanted to show you who was on your side, and who you share common bond with.

I’ve tried to transcribe them as accurately as I can, keeping the authentic spelling and grammar used by the writer.

Bear in mind, reading the transcripts below isn’t nearly as rewarding as listening to the audio clips of Al reading them live, over the air. Fire up your favorite MP3 player and enjoy:

Letter #1

Dear Al,

What’s with you, four-eyes? Why do you suck so much? You have to be the worst radio (sic) ever. You’re always interrupting your guests to tell your stupid jokes, but you’re not even funny, so what’s the point, and don’t you know you’re not supposed to fart on the air? Oh wait, that’s you talking. Your co-host must hate your guts, I’m surprised she hasn’t been chased out of the studio by your stupidity or your anal fumes.

Anyway Al, go f#ck yourself. Better yet I hope Bill O’Reilly sees you on the street, and sticks a dildo up your...
(listen here)

Letter #2

You sucked on SNL! And still suck on tring (sic) to kill America. Plus your show sucks every time on radio and tv. I am now going to sue for having to pay for a tv channel that carries your show. Should be fun in court. You SUCK!
(listen here)

Letter #3

Al you f#cking loser. I hadn’t heard from you (sic) whiny mouth in a long time. I thought Bin Laden had captured you and was doing America a favor in keeping your sorry ass in the desert. I heard your show ratings are even worse than before. Hope your birthday went like crap, and you suck! If you have kids I feel sorry for them.

Have you given up trying to be like your idol Bill O’Reilly? You don’t even come close to accomplishing all that Bill’s done for the U.S. If you leave the country let me know, I want to punch you in the mouth first. – Kevin Rosenthal
(listen here)

Letter #4

Al, I hate your f#cking show, and wish you (sic) just go back to da (sic) desert for fawty (sic) more years, you heeb f#ck.

I’d have to lop off my head with a rusty spoon and shove a frozen stick of butter down my throat to stop the bile from rising. Your parents must be sick to their stomachs. Shouts to da (sic) fam (sic), 100 EZ Crabsy. (?)
(listen here)

Letter #5

Dear Al Frankenstein,

Is your great-grandfather named Victor? Yeah, I bet. Don’t you dare call this hate mail. I am an upstanding Christian man! I believe in Jesus, YOU DON’T! You’re an IDIOT!

But for some Godforsaken reason, I believe in healthy dissent, so I listen to Pollution Air Radio. The Brainiacs that run that place must have felt sorry for your FAT ASS, and gave you three hours. Or maybe no one else wanted to be on that CRAPPY STATION for JERKS! Stop bashing Bush, AL FRANKENSTEIN!

I know the truth about you, you’re just jealous! It’s all a big joke to you!

But you know what, FRANKENSTEIN? The punch line is YOU! I think you want O’Reilly’s spot. Do you even watch the news? Do you? Do you really? I can’t tell. Your take on politics is very slanted, like your HEAD!

Grow up Alfred, or Allen, or VICTOR!

Signed,
TM (truth man)
(listen here)

Letter #6

Dear Al,

You are a dumb Jew f#ck. Jesus Christ is going to come down, and f#ck you in your stupid Jew rectum, with his fat, Republican c%ck. I hope you get cancer in your ball sack!

Thank you for your time f#cker.
(listen here)