Bush Family Values

Remember all the shit you used to read in the liberal media’s newspapers about Clinton’s coke-head brother Roger? Now, I realize having a President who might have smoked pot and had a brother that used coke is a much more upsetting to Republicans than having another President who himself is a Jesus-saved former alcoholic with a drunk driving conviction and his own coke habit. However, since the Republicans were so obsessed with Clinton's personal and family life, I guess it's only fair that we talk a little bit about Bush's.

Meet the Jeb Bush kids (or as they'll be known in '08, the "first children"):

Precious Metal comprising spoon in mouth during birth: silver
Enjoys: sweet, white crack
Best Known For: On January 9th, 2002 was arrested for trying to illegally score a Xanax 'scrip at a Walgreens (see actual police report here). Later, on Sept 9th 2002, while serving her sentence at a drug rehab program for the Xanax incident, Noelle was caught with crack cocain.
Punnishment for incidents above: While most black Americans caught with crack can serve years in prison, Noelle got 10 days in jail and no use of the platinum card for 3 full days. Also, shopping privileges were limited to Banana Republic and Gap Outlet only, and cell phone minutes were cut down to 5,000 per month. Weekends are still unlimited.

Precious Metal comprising spoon in mouth during birth: platinum
Enjoys: Flexing beer muscles at police trying to arrest him
Best Known For: First, getting caught naked from the waist down with a female partner in the parking lot of Tennesee Mall (see actual police report here). Then, later, resisting arrest for public intoxication in downtown Austin (see actual police report here)
Punnishment for incident above: no porche or sports betting for 48 "goddamn hours because mom is being a total bitch."