It's a Bird...It's a Plane...It's Bill Maher!

Thank GOD...not the angry, fag-hating Bush campaigning God who cries when you burn the flag but smiles when you violate human rights - but rather the God our founding fathers worshipped - for the return of Real Time with Bill Maher.

For those of you who miss this hour-long, delicious slice of sanity, humor, and political discussion for those of us who still have a free thought at least once month, you really need tune into HBO on Friday nights, at 11pm. (And don't give me that, "it's on too late" bullshit - you know as well as I do if Kelly Clarkson and Clay Aiken were playing a Disney benefit at midnight to support the troops and raise money to bomb Iran, you'd be taping it on like 4 different VCR's and two Tivo systems).

Given the fact that most of the corporate media outlets don't challenge their conservative guests when they spew total fire-breathing lies out of their tight-lipped, sex-deprived mouths, Maher fans do more than just nod in agreement and laugh - they sometimes applaud and cheer him on. As usual, Bill's last show featured balanced panel (actually this one leaned more to the Right than to the center) of conservatives and liberals, both in the studio and via satellite to talk about a variety of topics and, as usual, it absolutely amazes me how much these Right-wingers made themselves look ridiculous by trying to defend George W Bush.

What is the difference, you ask, between conservatives lying on CNN and lying on Mahers show? The answer is simple: Maher calls them on it. And as a result, the conservatives get frustrated - they squirm and they reveal a lot about themselves and their discourse in less than 60 minutes.

So, without ado, I'd like to recap some observations from the latest Real Time, with Bill Maher:

1. Maher doesn't let conservative bullshitters off the hook - The first exchange of the show between Ann Coulter's twin KellyAnn Conway and Maher was regarding women in Iraq and Iraq's new constitution. Maher eluded to the fact that Iraq, despite Saddam's reign, was one of the more progressive Middle Eastern nations, distinguishing itself sharply from Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Iran and others when it came to women's rights by ignoring many of the strict fundamentalist, conservative interpretations of the Koran. As a result of our invasion, many of the fundamentalist leaders whose influence in government was previously non-exist are playing a major role in shaping the government and law enforcement, similar to strict Islamic nations (you know, the ones the 9/11 hijackers came from).

Conway on the other hand, tried to make the claim that women were in fact advancing, and that women who were confined to burkas and had limited rights are now gaining gender equality since our invasion. Here's the transcript:

MAHER: --and the fact that women may be taking a giant step backward in Iraq , because the theocrats may very well be taking over. For example, in the southern city of Basrah , I read that the police department is really just... the religious police. Like in Saudi Arabia . They've just been enforcing the Shiite mentality, which is that, you know, any woman who wears makeup gets her head cut off. Women are not advancing in Iraq . Excuse—

CONWAY : [overlaps] They are.

MAHER: [overlaps] They are? What ass are you pulling this out of? [laughter]

2. Conservatives are hilarious when they try to defend the indefensible - Later in the show Maher brought up the fact that Bush is going to break Ronny Reagan's old record for most vacation time taken by a sitting president and while I'm thinking to myself, "ok, how in the hell is she going to defend this one," I almost spit my drink out when she tried...so did the audience.

MAHER: ...but let me just say, well, let me ask you first. Now people have said, they've noted that he's shattering Ronald Reagan's record of being on vacation. He's already been on vacation 319 days out of his five years, and they have a problem with that. Do you have a problem with that—

CONWAY : No.

MAHER: --with the president being away that much?

CONWAY : Yeah, it's good. In fact, people in this country don't know how to vacation anymore. Everybody goes on vacation... [laughter] and they— [laughter]

3. Ironically, some of the biggest names in the conservative movement have gay children, and get very embarrassed and defensive when someone brings it up - Whether it's Dick Cheney during the debate with Edwards last year, or Alan Keyes on the Randi Rhoads show, or the most recent example of this - Phyllis Schlafly on this particular evening, these "who will save the children" conservatives get very agitated when they're asked about the conflict between having gay children and revolving most, if not all of their political lives campaigning against gays, lesbians and their freedoms.

I honestly don't know if it's from shame, guilt, or the fact that these people are being exposed in public for what horrible parents are by actually preaching intolerance toward their very own children simply for who they are - but conservatives who are called on this during interviews behave very strangely. Their entire tone and expressions change, and they look like they're going to shed tears. Schlafly, one of the pioneers of the conservative Christian movement was no exception:

SCHLAFLY: Well Bill, the thing about gays, if they want to change our marriage law, they should go to the state legislatures and try to get them to revise or repeal the laws we have. But they know they can't do that. They know no legislature will give them what they want. So, they run to the supremacist judges to try to get the judges to rule it.

MAHER: But does it say in the—

SCHLAFLY: [overlaps] And that's what we don't like.

MAHER: Does it say – you keep talking about the constitution. Does it say in the constitution that marriage is only between a man and a woman? Does the constitution address the issue of weddings at all? [applause]

SCHLAFLY: No, the constitution doesn't. But the constitution does not give the judges the power to define marriage.

MAHER: I mean, your own son is gay—

SCHLAFLY: Oh come on, Bill.

MAHER: I'm not saying that as a critique. I mean, that's well-known. Right?

SCHLAFLY: All right, if the gays want to change our laws, they should go to the legislature and do it like all the rest of us do when we want to change the laws. They should not run to a judge and try to get the judge to change the definition of marriage. Because that's not right.

MAHER: But I'm just asking, why so many... conservatives seem to have gay children? Dick Cheney, Alan... [laughter] I don't mean this... [applause] no. [to audience] Please, please. [to Schlafly] I'm just asking. I'm not trying to be frivolous—

SCHLAFLY: I thought we were having a high level discussion about the constitution?

MAHER: [long beat] Well...

SCHLAFLY: Yes.

Think about this for a second. To have your entire persona - what you're known to the public for, what you've achieved and the difference you've made in this world - revolve around openly preaching about how homosexuals should be scorned, are harmful to society and should have their freedoms limited - when your own child is gay - you have to be an amazingly hateful person.

3. Bill Maher calls organized religion on it's bullshit - This was my favorite part of the show. Maher took the last few minutes of the show to comment on the incredibly wasteful, and frankly embarrassing battle between scientists and bat-shit fundamentalist Christians regarding Intelligent design being taught in classrooms.

Intelligent design is a baseless, completely unscientific religious movement that substituted the push for Creationism when it was discovered that no one really took Creationists and their urge to violate the 1st amendment by teaching it in public schools seriously. Here's Maher's take:

MAHER: And finally New Rule: You don't have to teach both sides of a debate, if one side is a load of crap. [cheers] [applause]

Now, President Bush recently suggested that public schools should teach intelligent design, alongside the theory of evolution. Because, after all, evolution is quote, "just a theory." Then the President renewed his vow to drive the terrorists straight over the edge of the earth. [laughter] [applause]

Now, here is what I don't get. President Bush is a brilliant scientist. [laughter] He's the man who proved you can mix two parts booze with one part cocaine, and still fly a jet fighter. [laughter] And yet... [applause] yet he just can't seem to accept that we descended from apes.

It just seems pathetic to be so insecure about your biological superiority, to a group of feces-flinging, rouge-buttocked monkeys, that you have to make up fairy tales. Like we came from Adam and Eve, and then cover stories for Adam and Eve like, intelligent design. Yeah, leaving the Earth in the hands of two naked teenagers. That's a real intelligent design. [laughter]

I'm sorry, folks, but it may very well may be that life is just a series of random events. And that there is no... master plan. But enough about Iraq . [laughter] [applause] Let me instead restate my thesis. There aren't necessarily two sides to every issue. If there were, the Republicans would have an opposition party. [audience reacts, then smattering of applause]

And an opposition party would point out that even though there's a debate, in schools, and government, about this, there is no debate among scientists. Evolution... [applause] is supported by the entire scientific community. Intelligent design is supported by guys online to see "The Dukes of Hazzard." [laughter] [applause]

And the reason there is no real debate, is that intelligent design isn't real science. It's the equivalent of saying that the thermos keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, because it's a god. [applause] It's so willfully ignorant you might as well worship the U.S. Mail. It came again! [laughter] Praise, Jesus! [applause]

No, stupidity isn't a form of knowing things. Thunder is high pressure air meeting low pressure air. It's not God bowling. [laughter] Babies come from storks is not a competing school of thought... [laughter] in medical school. We shouldn't teach both. The media shouldn't equate both. If Thomas Jefferson... [applause]

If Thomas Jefferson knew we were blurring the line this much between church and state, he would turn over in his slave. [groans] [laughter] [laughter] Now as for me, I believe in evolution and intelligent design. . I think God designed us in his image, but I also think God is a monkey! God bless you and goodnight! [laughter] [applause]